10 things Adoptees wish you would understand
I was adopted from Russia as a small child, and unlike a lot of the people I have talked too and met, I was fortunate too be placed into a safe home. I was given a roof over my head, clothes on my back, warm bed to sleep in, and a mother who I didn’t always deserve (In the best possible way). She is my rock even to this day, but not everyone was/is as fortunate to have that experience with their adoptions. Adoption is not a scary word for me, and I have spent a great deal of time healing and fixing the wounds I do struggle with. Some scars can’t be healed, such as the fact my birth mother died a year before I found them, but my life could have ended up so much worse. My birth family is still in Russia, and I am fortunate in being able to speak and see their social media accounts.
I am not sensitive to the subject and happen to be very open to speaking to anyone who needs someone to talk too. I belong to an Adopted group on Facebook and decided to ask them this very question. What is one thing you wish non adopted people would stop saying or would understand about you?
The responses I got were amazing and informative, so I decided to share it with you. No names will be given to protect the identity of those who spoke with me, but some of their answers will shock you.
Please know that these are common for Adoptees to feel, but not all of us have the same feelings.
- Just because I got adopted to America doesn’t mean that I am not Russian (or any culture) I still have the history of my family and the heritage that follows it.
- Just because I can’t speak my birth language doesn’t mean that I am any less that culture.
- Not everyone has been blessed because we are adopted. Not all of us have good, kind, or loving families.
- I wish I could talk to my adoptive family about how I feel out of place, alone, stuck, abandoned, and depressed. It only seems to make them more upset, and I don’t want to hurt them.
- Don’t feel bad for me because I am adopted. I was saved from a horrible situation and placed in a home where I am loved and protected.
- I have severe anxiety, a deep fear of abandonment, and lash out often to push people away. Deep down, I wish I could let people in, but let’s face it, in the end, we all die alone. It is easier this way.
- I wish my adoptive parents could understand that just because I need to know my past, doesn’t mean I don’t consider them my parents, or that I don’t love them. I just really need closure.
- I wish I were not adopted. I have been raped, beaten, abused, and I’m too scared to ask for help, where will they send me next?
- Being adopted isn’t what makes me, me; it’s just what’s happened to me. Stop categorizing me.
- I hate when people use the reference, “blood is thicker than water.” As soon as they see I am standing there, they correct it with “You don’t count, you’re adopted, we consider you blood.”
Being adopted can be a blessing or a curse, but no matter which one it is to us adoptees, many of us still struggle with many emotional feelings.
Feelings of abandonment, loneliness, confusion (why us), anger, depression, and identity conflicts. (Who would we have become, who were we supposed to be)? Although many people think we should be grateful, and many are, it doesn’t make those feelings go away.
Some adoptees act out, and the new parents don’t know how to handle it, causing an unhealthy in-home relationship. Other adoptees hold it together and hide it in fear of being gotten rid of. Some don’t want to upset the new family, and others are completely fine with being adopted and are genuinely happy.
The fact is, adopted or not; people are people. We want to be accepted, we want to feel loved and wanted, and most of all, we just want to fit in somewhere. Counseling for those struggling should be looked into, and adoptees shouldn’t be ashamed to get help with their feelings. After all, you are the only one who knows how you truly feel.
If you are struggling with your family, seek family counseling. If you are struggling with feelings about yourself, still seek help to learn how to peel back the layers and start the road to healing.
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren
“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Theresa
“It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.”
― George Harrison
Alexandra Masha 